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Writer's pictureAndrew O'Brien

How to Build Confidence: Overcoming Fears with Compassion

Updated: Apr 19

When it comes down to it, confidence is less of a feeling and more of a skill. And as such, learning how to become more confident is possible. According to a research article examining the benefits of self-confidence, people who appear confident are considered more attractive, outgoing and adventurous than those who are unsure of themselves. In addition, research suggests that confidence can make someone appear healthier, both physically and emotionally. Furthermore, these individuals tend to have higher-quality relationships and are more resilient to stress than those who lack self-confidence. These findings suggest that self-confidence can greatly improve our quality of life. Therefore, to live the best life possible, we should concentrate on building confidence.


Building Confidence Requires Disrupting Our Self-Limiting Beliefs

Most of the time, the reason we are unsure of ourselves stems from how we have learned to think.


Although this concept may seem too simple to be true, consider that having self-limiting beliefs could result in:

  • A person who is strong feeling weak.

  • Someone who is rich feeling poor.

  • A well-loved person feeling lonely.

We can start building confidence by disrupting the self-limiting belief patterns that cause us to feel insecure.


How Self-Limiting Beliefs Are Created

It essentially all comes down to our fears, which is completely biological. Our fears, originating in our brain, activate in the face of a real or perceived threat. To protect you, your brain creates a belief around that to help you avoid similar situations moving forward. Sometimes, these beliefs can be limiting to what we want in life.


How a Fear Is Created

In the brain, the thalamus sends the feeling that we are in danger to the amygdala. The amygdala initiates our fight, flight or freeze response. Then, the hippocampus stores these memories to help us avoid exposure to similar threats in the future.


The Amygdala Helps Regulate Our Reactions to Stimuli

The amygdala consists of two almond-shaped masses of cells that lie within the temporal lobes of the brain. The amygdala is part of the limbic system, which serves as the center of our memory, emotions and behavior. In addition, the amygdala helps regulate our aggression, anxiety, fear, social cognition and emotional memory. Moreover, it triggers our fight-or-flight response, causes us to freeze, and, when necessary, encourages the brain to release dopamine (i.e., the feel-good chemical).


Imposter Syndrome

People with low self-esteem frequently suffer from Imposter Syndrome. This syndrome can make someone feel as if they are a fraud, which leads to the fear of being discovered.


Signs that may indicate someone has Imposter Syndrome:

  • Speaking negatively about oneself.

  • Doubting one’s competence level and skills.

  • Using self-sabotage to reinforce the belief that they are not good enough.

  • Attributing success to someone or something other than themself.

  • Failing to meet a challenging goal results in great upset.

  • Over-preparing or overachieving in an attempt to reach a goal.

Have Compassion for Yourself as You Build Your Confidence

Since fears are biological, as we work towards increasing our self-confidence levels, we need to treat ourselves kindly. For example, instead of comparing our achievements to those of others, we need to recognize our own accomplishments and then take the time to reward ourselves. This reward break is important because people who are unsure of themselves frequently complete a task and immediately begin worrying about the next one. Although breaking cycles is challenging, we can start by reminding ourselves that no one is perfect and all we can do is our personal best.

Building confidence requires that we change our mindset in relation to our own abilities. We need to recognize our achievements and expertise, and then remind ourselves that we earned the position we hold in our professional or academic environment. Recognizing these truths can help ease the fears associated with the Imposter Syndrome.


 

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How We Can Disrupt Our Beliefs

The core beliefs that people with high self-esteem have differ from those that people struggling with self-confidence have. Typically, the core beliefs of people with good self-confidence levels are developed through internal satisfaction and external successes.

Needless to say, even those who lack self-confidence can, and do, accomplish their goals. However, these individuals usually only experience their outer successes because they are unable to embrace the positive internal aspects that people with a higher self-esteem do. Instead, following an accomplishment, people who feel less confident typically experience relief that they were able to reach their goal without messing it up. The good news is that by disrupting our beliefs, we can break this cycle.


Here are some core beliefs we can use to disrupt those that negatively affect our self-confidence level:

  • Recognize that if we neglect to meet our goal, it is our preparation, effort and persistence during the process that matter.

  • Embrace the idea that as long as we continue moving forward and adapting to changes, success is inevitable.

  • Realize that success is a continuous process, so we need to appreciate that the obstacles we face are part of the journey.

  • Consider failures to be temporary. Accept them as learning opportunities and a source of feedback.

  • Bear in mind that doubts, fear and anxiety are healthy signs that we are testing ourselves, rather than signs of impending doom.

  • Remember that rejections or failures are not personal.

We can begin to improve our self-esteem by modifying this list to reflect our specific circumstances, and then integrating these beliefs into our lives.

Ways We Can Get Experience


We can demonstrate the validity of these disruptions by using our experiences, as well as those of the people we are close to, to connect the items on our list.

Begin to integrate these core beliefs with the goal of recognizing that our actions are a living, visible extension of the new beliefs we are implementing for self-betterment through greater self-confidence.

When all is said and done, confidence is less of a feeling and more of a skill. As with any skill, we can develop our confidence by consciously practicing effective strategies with a purposeful intent for improvement. Just a few months after implementing this new belief system, it is likely that you will notice a measurable improvement in your self-esteem.


Gay men who want to build healthy habits and improve their self-confidence levels should consider scheduling a free information call with The Mindblowing Coach, Andrew O’Brien, MBA, NBC-HWC, BCC, SHRM-SCP. Your life coach supports you and assists you as you move toward accomplishing your goals. The Mindblowing Coach provides support for gay men, so they can live by their North Star.

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